brain vom

should i make this about my boy troubles too? i guess it’s all my brain vom sooo yes. i just don’t even know what to feeel anymore. if you were so hurt by me getting with your 2 friends, there has to be something more there, you must care. after months of not talking and you being moody and upset i finally get that text at 3 am that i’ve been waiting for all along. how could i see it as anything but fate when i never normally would have been awake but for some reason i woke up that night and saw your name on my phone for the first time in a very long time. i was conflicted about going, not wanting to be your booty call or whatever and because our relationship is the most complicated ever. but i did it. i snuck out like you asked me to. you came to my house. i got in your car. it was 4 am but i did it. and it was awesome. of course i wanted you but i also didn’t want to give you the satisfaction or put the idea in your head that i would just do whatever for you, on a whim… even though that’s probably true. we talked some and you admitted that you were too proud all that time to text me. i hinted around some of the things i wanted to say but of course after the fact i thought of all the things i should have said. you always try to be so deep and said something about how this could be “closure” for us. i think you tried to use that as a selling point to get me to do what you wanted all along. i don’t know what that really means then, but i have a feeling it’s not what i want. you’re too scared to be with me and i know that’s true. you’re conflicted and push your feelings away because you don’t want to face how you really feel. you pulled your cute act about being cold and alone in the backseat. i didn’t give in until you couldn’t take it any more and you leaned forward into me. i pushed you into the back seat and that was that. i wouldn’t have done it if i didn’t want to. but i did want to. because i want you. all of you, all the time, forever. i don’t know what it is but i know i’ve never felt this way about anyone else. i’m not one to be dramatic and squealy about my feelings and claim “I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU FOREVER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I’M CRAZY LET’S BE TOGETHER FOREVER”. no, that’s just not me. i’ll suppress what i feel for you until you decide to stop suppressing what you feel. until then i guess the back seat of your car will have to do when you can’t resist your occassional craving for me. you are so complicated and make me crazy but i’d do it all again for you.